The Storm before the Chaos.

The events in Sweden is really haunting me and literally ruining my life. The details of the events reached the wrong ears (well it was my fault, I covered it with a lie and got caught, but I was once again trying to protect myself) I have been tossing and turning all night, waking up from my own screams, trying to figure out how everything is going to be solved. I wish I could see in the future, so I could predict the outcome of my actions. Life would be a bit easier if I had that power but sadly I don’t, no one has.

Everything that I wanted to avoid is going to happen today: my trustworthy, my ability to do my job will be interrogated and examined. During these two years, I have never asked for anything: not a sick day, not a day off, not a raise, not for something extra, nothing. Now that I’m having the crisis of my life, and simply ask if there is a slightest possibility to go home earlier, I automatically turn into the bad one and I feel guilty about it too. Because I’m not capable to communicate with people that I don’t trust, but know I should. So naturally when something like this happens, people feel offended because I wasn’t honest from the start.

There is an explanation to my behavior and actions, well maybe two now that I think about it: one is about self defense and integrity and the other one is about guilt and paranoia. Like everyone else I want to protect myself from bad things, I don’t want to expose myself for false pity. By that I mean I don’t want people to think im trying to pull off some kind beneficial game and this is just another story to gain some attention and pity. Im not a bad person, I just don’t know how to react differently sometimes. My lack of communication skills and experience makes me fall back on my bad judgement and as a effect everything falls apart, and I am once again pictured as an instable person that cant do my job. I am good at my job, even when my life is pitch black and my emotions are going crazy, I still manage to pull it togheter but for what? In the end what am I pulling togheter for? Im not saying that I deserve some kind of credit for it but it would be nice if people could at least see that Im trying. Sadly that is wishful thinking. I have being branded as whore and a liar, its kind of hard to wash that off. All of this drama just because I wanted to make people happy, somehow along the way I forgot about my own happiness.

I am more convinced now then ever that I am not meant to be happy. I am not suppose feel content over what I have, because it gets constantly taken away from me. You could say that in the end its my own fault. I have no one else to blame but me.

About 15 min away from my destiny, so this is how failure feels like, I’ll remember.

1 and half hour later: I am the worst person that walks upon this planet, please stop care about me. I don’t deserve it. What kind of person am I, if I cant justify or explain my mistakes and actions? Im the biggest player in a unwinnable game, the problem is…I am playing myself.

I would be totally blind if I said that things can get worse then this…..trust me…they can and they will. I will be homeless, jobless in 2 weeks.
note: I haft to prove that I was assulted halleluja